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Definition of an evangelical:
Evan·gel·i·cals: noun; pronunciation: "E-"van-'je-li-kals
Christians who claim to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, think the Bible is infallible, and feel God wants them to spread His word to others. Most evangelicals are cultural conservatives who believe the Bush tax cuts were prophesized in the Bible. They enjoy the type of music one hears on Star Search reruns.
The term evangelical is often used loosely as a blanket term that includes the subsets Fundamentalists, morally strict Reactionaries who prefer the Bible to things like facts, and Pentecostals and Charismatics, holy rollin' Christians who speak in tongues and believe handling snakes is a good way to work up an appetite before visiting the Shoney's brunch buffet. Converting the unsaved is the ultimate goal of evangelicals since they believe doing so will hasten the Second Coming of Christ.
This book is protected by Bibleman, the evangelical Superman
Praylude:
· 63% of Americans think the Bible is literally true.
· Lakewood Church meets in the former home of the Houston Rockets to accommodate their 30,000 regular attendees.
· Focus on the Family receives so much mail they have their own zip code.
· 79% of the 26.5 million evangelical voters supported Bush in the 2004 election.
Does reading these facts make your palms sweat? Do you often wonder when Christians became pro-business Wal-Mart shoppers? Does the word "family values" conjure up nightmarish images of Pat Robertson smacking the remote control out of your hand as he sheds dandruff flakes onto the upholstery of your sofa? Are you a sinner, but worry that the "righteous" have thrown the first stone?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be suffering from a disease known as Evangophopia. The fear of evangelicals. But don't worry; it's more common than you think. Even some moderate evangelicals are developing symptoms. After all, the triumph of mall-sized megachurches with Taco Bells and rock-climbing walls inside them could test the faith of a dozen holy apostles.
If you think you may you have Evangophobia, the good news is that you're not alone. It's a downright pandemic. An estimated 98.6% of all non-evangelical Americans have symptoms.
Webster's Dictionary defines a phobia as an illogical fear. An irrational anxiety. Let's be clear; there's nothing irrational about being afraid of an army of evangelicals dressed in flag sweaters. Especially when they seem to be taking over America. We wouldn't be surprised if the Senate began filibustering in tongues. And if you don't get anxious when a four ton SUV passes you on the interstate with a bumper sticker that says WARNING: In case of rapture this vehicle will be unmanned, there's probably something wrong with you. Actor Stephen Baldwin, for God's sake, is the host of a traveling skateboarding ministry. He's been hanging out in parking lots of adult entertainment shops photographing patrons as part of an anti-porn campaign.
Given these facts, we sinners are in full agreement with evangelicals on one major point. The Apocalypse is drawing near. Evangophobia is normal. It's a healthy fear. And we're here to help.
Megachurch Nation
The Evangelical Right isn't the new counterculture. It's the new mainstream culture.
For decades, evangelical Christians have been organizing. They have their own newspapers. Their own radio stations. Their own music. Their own slang. Their own paintball teams. There's an evangelical church in Texas that has its own McDonald's drive-thru. And in 2005 evangelicals even created their own holiday: Ten Commandments Day.
Worst of all, many evangelicals aren't content watching the 700 Club and attending laser light projections of the crucifixion at the local megachurch. They want to transform the culture you consume to fit their standards. In fact, if they're true "evangelizers" they want to transform you to fit their standards. And compounded by the fact that evangelicals often share similar goals with conservative Jews, Catholics1, and Bill O'Reilly we may soon witness a rating's sweeps plotline where Will marries Grace after attending a gay deprogramming class.
Since Bush's reelection in 2004, people have been scratching their heads trying to understand this parallel social group known as the Evangelical Right. Let's face facts. Most non-evangelicals don't know the difference between Ted Haggard and Merle Haggard, Pat Robertson and Pat Buchanan, or James Dobson and the cloven-hoofed demonlord of the Apocalypse.
Sinners need a guide to demystify this powerful group before this plague of Evangophobia gets out of control. After all, confronting one's fears brings healing.
The Idiosyncrology of Evangelicals
Our nonprofit foundation, the American Idiosyncrology Institute is in the business of decoding the mysteries of idiosyncratic people. This book is the culmination of our research on this ubiquitous group known as the evangelical Right.
During the course of our study we attended dozens of churches across the country to observe the different styles of worship. Traditional churches are a dying breed, we discovered, so almost all of the churches we visited resorted to gimmicks and sensationalism. New Life Church in Colorado, for instance, had free wi-fi internet, fog machines, and a terrorism conference taught by the local police. Creflo Dollar's church in New York featured a thirty minute "sermon" by a woman speaking in tongues. And West End Assembly of God in Virginia had an Easter musical with live camels.
Immersing ourselves in evangelical culture, we became temporary citizens of Colorado Springs, a town that has become known as the "Evangelical Vatican." It's the home of the so-called protestant pope, James Dobson, and hundreds of "parachurch" groups-Christian organizations like Campus Crusades, Young Life, and the Christian Cowboys that are evangelical but not church-based. It's also the home of SUVs with Jesus mudflaps and patriotic eagle statuettes.
Evangelicals have received a lot of scrutiny lately, so access was often tricky. For all their talk of inclusiveness, most are actually wary of intruders and are experts at spotting them. We found that unless you sign your emails "God bless" and say hallelujah when hearing an anecdote about converting a Hasidic salesclerk at Circuit City, they'll likely identify you as an outsider.
We also found that many evangelicals are media savvy, so the persona they present to the secular Target2 shoppers, doesn't always match their behavior when among other believers. For instance, Colorado megachurch pastor Ted Haggard (who talks politics with George Bush every Monday morning) told members of his congregation to not "be weird" when media is around. Ironically, the trampolines just outside of their sanctuary and the Starbucks café in their lobby didn't register with Haggard as being weird.
Not surprisingly, many of our undercover field researchers suffered from serious cases of performance anxiety when it came to raising their hands in the air during the worship services. Others were subjugated to the trauma of being in the presence of people speaking in tongues for hours on end. And needless to say, achieving that shiny, clean-living, evangelical glow, like the members of Christian band Jars of Clay, required incredible moral discipline for everyone involved in the study.
Most notably, we observed that, despite the clichés, not all evangelicals are alike. For every Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell there's a Jim Wallis and a Brian McLaren doing their best to unite people, not divide them. Wallis and McLaren are living testimonies that evangelical isn't a synonym for homophobic NRA-supporting Republican with a venison freezer. You may not have heard of these kinder, gentler leaders. Teaching inclusiveness doesn't grab headlines like blaming 9-11 on the ACLU, spearheading Christmas Friend or Foe campaigns, or claiming, as Ted Haggard does, that pro-business capitalism is what Jesus intended.
True diversity among evangelicals does exist and we'll introduce you to some of Evangelicalism's more progressive leaders, not to mention our own cast of real life evangelicals who will be your guides throughout this book. Our evangelical guides, Amanda, Sam, Mike, J.J., Johane, and Dio will provide commentary from an insider's perspective.
Despite the ministries of people like Wallace and McLaren, it's the extremists from the Evangelical Right who presently have the clout. They've blocked the sanctuary doors. They've hoarded the communion grape juice. They've stolen the words family, freedom, patriot, and values and claimed them as their own. They've committed the biggest sin of all. They've kidnapped Jesus.
Promiscuity may be a sin, but they're screwing us all. They're the focus of this book.
This is The Sinner's Guide to the Evangelical Right.
1 Catholics aren't typically classified as evangelicals. Many fundamentalist Christians even have doubts about whether they're saved and think following the pope is blasphemous. Still, both evangelicals and Catholics can definitely agree on one vital point: that guy who wrote The Da Vinci Code is definitely going to hell.
2 Target has given money to Planned Parenthood. Plus, Target doesn't carry firearms or cutting edge literature like God, Pepsi, and Groovin' on the High Side: Tales from the NASCAR Circuit like its more evangelical-friendly sister store, Wal-Mart.
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Bill McCartney
