"Like all great satire, the book is cerebral, irreverent and hilarious, while also edifying" — Publisher's Weekly
"This book is hilarious... [Lanham] didn't skimp on his research. The book provides a telling overview of the religious right's leadership, the beliefs they espouse, and just how incredibly absurd and hypocritical they are." — The Campaign to Defend the Constitution
Editor's Pick: "From the author of The Hipster Handbook comes this irreverent navigation of all things Evangelical. Learn enough slang to fit in at a church picnic or why SpongeBob SquarePants is an agent of the Devil" — Chicago Sun-Times
"This guy has written quite a funny book." — Alan Colmes, Fox News
"A funny book with some funny cartoons on everyone from Rick Warren as the evangelical Jimmy Buffett to a guide for Christian haircuts that is hilarious... I was chuckling until I saw that I am the postscript" — Mark Driscoll, pastor of the largest megachurch in Washington State
"Every good little liberal will have this book on order as a stocking stuffer come Jesus' birthday." — Time Out
"A handbook for coping with bible thumpers.... When considering the power and influence evangelical Christians wield in this country, you have to laugh to keep from crying. Robert Lanham... understands this well and offers much needed, totally biased comic relief." — Village Voice
"Not only is this an important book, it's a funny book." — Marc Maron, Air America Radio
"Author Robert Lanham is an observer... but with his latest, The Sinner's Guide to the Evangelical Right, Lanham's keen eye has hit perhaps his most entertaining target." — Metro Paper
"It’s hard to remember a more pointed and scathing attack… Lanham launches a focused, sustained barrage on the Pat Robertsons and James Dobsons of the world… He’s done his homework. The book is thoroughly researched and packed with quotes and analysis of the famous and not-so-famous leaders of the evangelical right… the research is truly impressive. " — The Reader
"An utterly biased, humorous one-stop guide to the major evangelical players." — Details
"Check out Robert Lanham's (author of the fabled Hipster Handbook and former Bible Belt resident) Sinner's Guide to the Evangelical Right. It's funny because it's true." — Elizabeth Spiers, founding Editor of Gawker
"Like the Daily Show or The Colbert Report, it's humor reveals the basic truth. Which is to say that the "sinners" of the world may be closer to Jesus and the divine than those who use God's name for personal enrichment, power building, and political gain." — Buzzflash
"The book does for religion what Jon Stewart does for politics." — CanWest News Service
"Informative, laugh-out-loud funny and horrifying at times, check out this snide, leftie-geared guide to the major evangelical players... Robert Lanham has a writing style that resembles... McSweeney's, and the irony-stacked humor of TV programs such as "The Daily Show" — Style Weekly, Richmond VA
"Hilarious... go out and buy this book now." — Sam Seder, The Majority Report
"This book should lay at the lifeless feet of your corpse as a silent, yet
powerful and all encompassing explanation as to why you took your own life."
— David Cross, Arrested Development
Nutshell: Founder of Focus on the Family, the most powerful evangelical ministry in the country Denomination: Son of a Nazarene minister, bible literalists with a strict moral code Born: 1936 Defining Quote: "Communities do not let prostitutes, pedophiles, voyeurs, adulterers, and those who sexually prefer animals to publicly celebrate their lifestyles, so why should homosexuals get such privileges?"
Quick Facts about James Dobson
· He's a psychologist, not a minister, with zero theological training.
· He's apparently on speed dial at the White House, since he's regularly consulted by them.
· He's married to Shirley Dobson, the chair-Christian of the National Day of Prayer Task Force.
· He's a founding board member of the Christian political lobby, Family Research Council.
· He routinely advised Bush's campaign advisor Karl Rove during the 2004 election.
· He's had a regular bowel movement right after supper for the past 8 1/2 years.
The Evangelical Pope
Forget Pat Robertson. Forget Billy Graham. Forget that other dude who buys his suits at The Burlington Coat Factory and says "Jay-sus." Dr. James Dobson hates the queers more vehemently than anyone in America. Chairman and founder of the Colorado Springs-based ministry known as Focus on the Family, he's also the world's most powerful evangelical leader, earning him the unofficial title, The Evangelical Pope. Reportedly, Dr. Dobson even smells "Christiany." Combining folksy family psychology - Dobson has a Ph. D. in child development - with a very literal interpretation of the bible, Dobson's nondenominational evangelical videos, newsletters, books, and radio show now reach more than 200 million people daily. That's an audience 10 times larger than the population of New York State. Tellingly, Dobson was even privy to inside information on Supreme Court nominees, provided by the White House, weeks before most of the members of Congress got the information. And yes, he's the guy who thinks SpongeBob Squarepants is gay.
Focus on Your own Family, Please
Focus on the Family began modestly in 1977 when Dobson published his first child-rearing tome, Dare to Discipline, and secured a weekly radio show in California. Now, his tax-exempt empire has published dozens of bestselling Christian books and Dobson's radio shows can be heard on over 200 stations in the United States alone. His newsletter, which often discusses current political events alongside commonsense, pseudo-spiritual psychology, is readily available in the lobby of nearly every evangelical church in the country. With the exception of the buffet at Ryan's steakhouse, nothing is more popular with evangelicals than the ministry of Dr. Dobson.
Quick Facts about Dobson's Focus on the Family
· Has an annual budget of $146 million and receives so much mail it has its own zip code.
· Distributed 8 million voting guides during the 2004 election.
· Organized boycotts against AT&T (supports gay rights), Proctor & Gamble (supports gay rights), Disney (supports gay rights), and Abercrombie & Fitch (ran sexy ads, but probably supports gay rights too).
· Has 1400 employees and answers thousands of calls daily at its Christian counseling hotline.
· Dobson secretly wants to change the company's name to Focus on the Fags.
"Pain is a marvelous purifier"
Ironically, given his gentle demeanor and the softness of his hands (Dobson moisturizes them lovingly every morning with a greaseless hand lotion before doing his Rapture exercises). Dobson began his career by publishing a book about spanking. Dare to Discipline is his response to what he believes to be a culture of permissive parenting. In it, he promotes the disciplinary effectiveness of spanking, even for "sick and deformed" children whom, he says, should be treated no differently than normal children.
After all, his own mother hit him with "a multitude of straps and buckles" and look how normal James turned out! Dobson says he believes spanking is biblical. Everyone knows that Mary spanked Jesus with a bamboo reed whenever he turned his brussel sprouts into Reese's Pieces.
Highlights from Dobson's "Dare to Discipline" and "The Strong-Willed Child"
"[P]ain is a marvelous purifier... There is a muscle, lying snugly against the base of the neck ... When firmly squeezed, it sends little messengers to the brain saying, 'This hurts; avoid recurrence at all costs.'"
"I suggest [spanking with] a switch (a small, flexible twig from a tree) or a paddle… if it doesn't hurt it doesn't motivate."
Rejected Titles to Dare to Discipline
· A Dummy's Guide to Sticks, Spatulas, Belts, Switches, and Ping-Pong Paddles
· Spare the Rod, Spoil the Demon-Possessed Hellion
· Just Wait 'til Your Father gets Home (He's Hungry, Overworked and Ready to Kick Some Ass)
· Spanking the Fairy out of Him
· Paddle off the Pounds: The Spanker's Diet
· Everybody Hurts, Sometimes
· Speak Softly and Carry a Viney Switch
· Spank Liberally, Vote Conservatively
· If You Can't Beat 'em, Give 'em a Good Shaking
· Take That You Godless Little Shit. Do You Want Another? DO YA?!
· The Jesus Paddle
Quick Quiz: What does Dobson call children who may be on the path to becoming gay?
A. Tinkerbells B. Plays with dolls C. Demon-possessed D. Pre-gay
[Correct Answer: D]
The Meek shall inherit the earth; as long as the meek aren't a bunch of homos
Dobson reserves the most venom for homosexuality which he says will "destroy the earth." After all, even a dummy knows that the almighty Creator of the infinite universe spends 85% of his time fretting about Will and Grace and man-purses. Dobson believes that homosexuality is a sickness, a psychological disorder that can be cured. In the late 1990's, Dobson introduced Love Won Out as an extension of FOTF. The mission of Love Won Out was to provide "reparative therapy" to homosexuals. In other words, counseling to help them get the gay out. Ironically, the programs original director, "ex-gay" John Paulk (who incidentally is married to an ex-lesbian), was scandalized in 2000 when he was spotted in a gay bar.
Not content to obsess over one issue, Dobson has chosen two. The second of course being abortion, which he has compared to the holocaust. Dobson's trademark antiabortion program, the Option Ultrasound ™ Program, equips hundreds of pregnancy centers with ultrasound equipment. The hope is to dissuade people from having abortions by showing them ultrasound pictures, if the sign-waving lunatics outside the clinics don't do the trick.
Signs of impending gayness in little boys, according to James Dobson
· "may avoid other boys in the neighborhood and their rough-and-tumble activities"
· "preference for cross-dressing, or simulating female attire"
· "strong and persistent preference for cross-sexual roles in make-believe play"
· "may start using his mother's makeup"
· "prefer[s] being with his sisters…who play with dolls and dollhouses."
· "may start speaking in a high-pitched voice"
· "may affect the exaggerated gestures and even the walk of a girl, or become fascinated with long hair, earrings and scarves"
Dobson on how parents can help prevent homosexuality
"[T]he boy's father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl. He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger."
Bill McCartney
